Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Unedited / Stop sucking in and laugh.

she sucks in turns sideways uh no and that grimace doesn’t help and she faces forward again those boobs aren’t they supposed to be perkier at twenty two she wonders as she lifts them and what girl has this many stretch marks already she could cover them but then that leaves no hands to hold up the girls and even if she could do both at the same time she still wouldn’t have a free hand to hide those sun spots that appeared after too many minutes in the tanning bed thank god they aren’t cancer but speaking of a tan she could use one girl that pale skin only brings out the scars and the fact that not even concealer can do its job covering up those dark circles under her eyes with lashes that aren’t quite long enough those teeth could be straighter and whiter but even if they were that smile just makes her cheeks puff out and her face looks even fatter and speaking of fat those arms she thinks they should be more toned after lifting text books at school and small children at work but damn they are huge it wouldn’t matter if they weren’t though because tiny arms would just make that stomach look bigger if that’s even possible and she wonders if sucking in harder might help she turns sideways again. fuck.

she sucks in turns sideways and that pretty butterfly tattoo with the pink ribbon makes her smile as she thinks of jami and how cancer might take down a body but never a sweet soul she turns to the other side and that birdcage ink reminds her that heaven does exist she just knows it she faces forward those boobs they might sag but he seemed to like them just fine and they got the good times rolling and plus they hold more than a purse can some nights those stretch marks are gross but they aren’t as noticeable when she lays flat and if stretch marks are the worst thing she faces then she’s doing all right and thank god those sun spots aren’t cancer no more tanning beds though bronzer can do the job but sometimes she doesn’t even notice the paleness when she’s too busy being happy and when that happens those dark circles seem to just go away or maybe the concealer just got better at its job like the mascara which really brings out those blue eyes like crystal and they make her smile because she got them from her daddy speaking of smiling that one tooth is longer than the other and it makes her laugh and she feels prettier when she laughs plus the kids at work have a better time when she laughs along with them and she doesn’t even notice arm flab when she picks them up and spins them around and they’re all laughing together a big ol’ belly laugh.

sometimes it is harder to be the girl who laughs because it’s so simple to look and hate and say fuck than it is to say i am beautiful and really believe it.

but here is what she knows.

she has pretty eyes and contagious laughter.

she is good at her job.

she is loved by so many.

she is healthy sometimes and working towards all the time.

she is brave and let him kiss her belly once.

she is smart.

she is talented.

she is a great kisser.

she is tough and has made it through more deaths and sadness than she cares to admit sometimes.

she has walls and is worthy of someone who will break through them.

she has overcome so much and has the scars to prove it.

she has people looking up to her.

she doesn’t need to be told she is beautiful to know it. even when her mind tricks her sometimes and makes her think she isn’t, she is strong and she will remember and she will stop sucking in and laugh instead.

it was hard to post this. but i wanted to challenge myself. to say things that are scary to share or maybe things that reveal a little too much of who i am. to say out loud (kind of?) that i am beautiful (because good girls don't compliment themselves! right?). i am beautiful. not just despite my flaws, but because of them. i don't always believe it, but i'm trying.

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