Wednesday, September 25, 2019

Everything is going to be just fine.

I dreamt of you last night.
You were young.
Younger, even, than the day you left us.
Just a little boy,
like time had stopped for you,
Even though the world had continued to spin for me.
Like I was here,
in the now,
And you were there,
in the way back when.
Way back before it all went wrong.
Just a little boy,
Still scared of thunderstorms outside the window,
And a dark loneliness you felt inside.
You couldn’t sleep,
and you looked so sad.
God, it broke me into a thousand tiny pieces how sad you looked.
I wondered how does a little boy get so sad
when the world hasn’t even had time to wreck him yet?
I think you were born with a sixth sense, though.
A knowing that not all of us have.
A very heavy knowing.
I saw you lying down,
There on my bed,
Like you did before,
When lightening began to strike.
You were crying quietly,
And I curled up around you,
As best I could,
Even though it felt like you were falling.
I squeezed you tightly.
Kissed the top of your sweaty head.
Whispered lies about how it’s all okay.
Everything is going to be just fine.

Wednesday, March 20, 2019

Hidden blessings.

My sister’s car wouldn’t start the night before last. The jumper cables were missing and it was late and cold and dark. My mom has a car and a truck, which her boyfriend drives, so they let my sister borrow the truck to get to work the next day.

Last night, we all got home late and were exhausted. We borrowed my neighbor’s jumper cables, and headed over to my sister’s in my car to work on hers. Still cold but about an hour of daylight left.

I opened her battery compartment to find a mountain of acid on top of the positive terminal. For once, my Diet Coke addiction came in handy, as I had a full bottle sitting in my car. Poured it on and reduced the acid big time, but still couldn’t get her car to start.

Right about that time, two men walked up, one of which happened to be a “car guy”, who happened to be in that parking lot because he was helping a buddy move (later learned he lives a county over).

They began tinkering with the car and asked my sister if either of us had a nail file to help scrape away the acid. My sister ran inside and got one. They mentioned that most of their tools were at their shops and even with the few they had between them, they may not be able to get the battery cleaned up and going again but they’d try.

The corrosion was still too bad to loosen the terminal (so they could get the acid underneath) and therefore, none of the wrenches either of them had in their tool boxes could fit on the terminal. They were either too big and loose or too small to go over the acid build up. I told Amber to get my car kit from my Jeep. All my of tools went missing out of it at some point, but it just so happened that the one wrench I had left was a miniature adjustable wrench, the perfect size and grip Car Guy needed to loosen the terminal.

Once he got the cables loose from the battery, Car Guy began scraping at the acid with his knife and the nail file. At one point, he said he wished he had some sandpaper. Well, I have two old windows I want to sand down and use as decor in my new house, and even though I cleaned out my car last week, I left three sheets of sandpaper in the back to work on my windows at my storage unit over my intersession this week. Amber grabbed those and Car Guy was able to sand off all the remaining acid.

At this point, we knew we could jumpstart the battery, but due to the corrosion, the terminals were warped and too loose to fit back on the battery. Car Guy said he had an idea but he needed two pairs of pliers and he only had one pair in his toolbox. Guess what the one other tool that didn’t go missing from my car kit is besides the miniature adjustable wrench? Pliers. Using two pairs of pliers, he broke a penny in half and jammed it in between the battery and the terminal. He said this would temporarily keep the terminal in place long enough to start the car and get it to a shop for new parts.

We hooked up the jumper cables, gassed my car, and Amber’s immediately came to life. I drove it to Thomas Tire in Burlington (shameless plug - they’re amazing and also do lots for educators and schools!) and left it overnight.

I told Amber to drive my car to school. Since I’m on break and only working at my part-time job, I could drive my mom’s truck to the shop in the morning, drop off Amber’s key, get the car fixed while I worked, and we could pick it up this afternoon.

She was worried about how much it might cost. I happened to consolidate all my debt last week, so I told her if the loan went through by today, I could pay for it and she could pay me back. And if it didn’t, I felt sure that the shop would work with us (since we’re the queens of car trouble and are always in there lol!).

This morning, I got ready to go, and realized Amber still had the key to my mom’s truck. And she was an hour away in Winston for work. I also realized my wallet was in my car, with Amber, in Winston. Mild panic.

I looked out the window and noticed my neighbor was home, so I texted her. She happened to have the morning off. She immediately got up, got dressed, and drove me to work so I could be there to open on time.

It just so happens that 1. my part time job is literally across the street from the car shop and 2. I had heard they can do car pick-ups. I called and explained the situation, and their receptionist just drove over to my job to pick up the car key.

And the worry about paying for all of this since my wallet is MIA and we’re broke anyway? I have a single card with me that wasn’t in my wallet. I just got a notification that my loan processed and my first credit card has been paid off - the card I happen to have with me right now.

Life can really suck sometimes, yall. Being a human is hard. That saying “when it rains, it pours” is SO true. Things seem to go wrong and then wronger and then wronger than that. And I am a believer in FEELING emotions - venting when things go wrong and crying when we’re frustrated and owning and experiencing whatever emotion is coursing through us in the moment. But I am also a believer in looking for blessings. I lost my dad when I was 18. My neighbor’s son, who was like a brother to me, died suddenly last spring, right before his 25th birthday. Losses like that? Those are the real heartbreakers. And when you’ve survived the real heartbreakers, things like broken down cars and unexpected bills seem like little challenges put in place to make us seek out bigger blessings.

Tomorrow will mark 10 months since Casey left us. So today, I choose to seek out the blessings. A mom with an extra vehicle. Being on intersession (which means I have plenty of free time to handle car issues). Car Guy. An adjustable wrench and pliers and a nail file and sandpaper. A penny trick. Neighbors with jumper cables and mornings off. A good car shop with incredible customer service. A perfectly-times credit card payment.


Oh, and that Diet Coke addiction? That Diet Coke was my last bottle so I’m out and itching. But my best friend’s husband happens to be going to the pharmacy across the street in a bit anyway, so he’s going to bring me my fix. Life is a beautiful, brutal, brutiful thing, yall. Look for the blessings. They’re hidden everywhere, always.